Bud Fletcher Goes to Washington — Full Transcript
Transcribed from the original La Louisianne Records vinyl (LL-105). Written by Bob Hamm. This transcript was generated from a digitized copy of one of the few surviving pressings.
Note: This is an automated transcription of a 1960s comedy recording with heavy Cajun dialect. Some words may be approximate.
Side 1
Down in Louisiana, in the lovely bayou land, lived a happy fellow by the name of Cyprian. He lived his life with little strife, he had little care, his front name was Cyprian. My behind name is Robespierre.
Cyprian Robespierre, he caused a great sensation, when he went down to Washington to straighten out the nation.
God bless man, what you thought? Me, Cyprian Robespierre man, I'm on my way to Washington DC, riding along here on this train. Cause you know the people ask me, they talk with me and say, Cyprian, we want you to go into the nation capital there to talk with each one of them political candidates there. To find out which one gonna be the best man to represent the Cajun and the other people there in South Louisiana.
Now you know last time we thought we was voting for that man in that song there, how you call it, David Crochet, King of the Wild Frontier? But all the time it was them jocks candidate there, King of the New Frontier. Then before that we vote for General Eisenhower, you call it, and then one time for Harry Strahan, and then that nice Jewish man you know, Mr. Rosenwertz.
So man, I'm real proud that I'm on my way now on this train, going to Washington DC to help my friend pick out the best man to represent us in the House.
Cyprian had heard about the troubles of the land, he hopped the train and headed out to try to lend a hand. He traveled fast, the pounds went fast, he traveled very far. I wonder when is that gum train gonna get to that club car?
Cyprian Rogers Pierre, he caused a great sensation when he went down to Washington to straighten out the nation.
Dear Mama, Papa, Nephew Sustained, Mayor Placide, and everybody back home. Well here I am writing to you from Washington. When I was first get here, I'm going straight to the outhouse to see the President, Monsieur Jocks Candidate. I walk right up and I knock on that big front door.
Yes, sir?
My friend, you can tell the President that Cyprian Rogers Pierre got to come to, got a little conversation with him there?
I saw him, Monsieur, but the President is in high enough sport with his wife.
Well, what about the Vice President, Mr. Lyndon Johnson?
Well, Monsieur, he ain't here either, he in Texas on the range.
Well, I guess he don't take that board letter with him, too, huh?
Well, I told you, how about my good friend, Senator Russell Long from South Louisiana?
No, sir, he ain't here, he helping his cousin in the election in Louisiana.
God bless, man, you told me, please, who's got here?
Uh, Miss Caroline here.
You don't mean to told me they got a little child trying to run the country, huh?
Well, no, sir, Mr. Bobby, he ain't here either. The first man what I was running to was that Mr. Barry Coldwater. And I asked him if I can talk to him about what he gone done, if he gone run for President.
So when I find him, he was kind of tune up his airplane, getting ready to take a little trip, you know. And I tell him, Mr. Coldwater, I say, hold on just a minute, man, I'm Superman Rovers here. I want to talk with you a little bit to find out what you gone done about the Cajun people in South Louisiana there. They send me here to find out that.
So he say, well, look, I'm fixing to take a little ride in my airplane there. I'm going down some stunt flying, man, I got a good friend from Arizona gone with us there. He say, if you don't say nothing till we get back down, after I do all them stunts, I'm going to give you some good interview.
So we all get in that airplane and, man, we take off. And let me tell you one thing, that man do all kind of stunts here. And he gone upside down, inside out. And let me tell you, got them plane flying everywhere but loose, you know.
And finally, when we come on the ground there, he say, well, he say, you didn't said nothing, so I'm going to give you the interview.
I say, God bless Mr. Coldwaters. I say, let me tell you, I'm one brave Cajun, me. I say one thing, you know one thing, I almost open my mouth and holler when you friend from Arizona fall out that airplane.
Mr. Coldwaters, the Cajun people want to know how you stand on rats.
Rats?
Yeah, that's right, rats.
Well, I haven't given that much thought. I think some of them are bad. They're pests, disease bearers. They should be exterminated.
Now, what you talk about that exterminate?
Well, that means done away with, wiped out.
Well, I told you one thing, we can vote for you.
Thank you and good day.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean your people support rats?
Well, God bless what you thought. So we do the rat to freedom of speech. The rat to freedom of the press. The rat to freedom of religion. And that bill of rats, you know.
Oh, I see, I see. Well, I'm sorry, I misunderstood you. Now, you refer to rights and I thought you meant rats, those dirty, hairy, germ-ridden pests.
Oh, my God, talk about them rats, that just bring on my mind. Later, I want to talk with you about that Fido Castro.
But, uh, I just think about what has got wrong with your airplane. Man, your airplane didn't got no left wing.
When Cyprian set out to sea, the conservative people's pick. He didn't know where Barry was, but he found him mighty quick. How did you find Goldwater and make that airplane flight? I put myself on Constitution Street and then I just keep turning right.
Cyprian Robespierre, he caused a great sensation. When he went down to Washington, straightened out the nation.
Well, anyhow, the next day, I'm going back to the moth house there. And, uh, got a fellow come meet me at the door and I tell him, I want to get a little conversation with the president then. And he tell me, wait just a minute.
So, I'm sitting in the reception room pretty soon, man. The president himself come out there.
Mr. Robespierre, I appreciate your waiting all this time, but you have caught Jackie and I right in the middle of a dance lesson. Could you come back tomorrow?
So, I tell him, well, I guess I can. And when he closed the door, man, I put my ear against that keyhole. I want to listen, find out what's going on in there. Man, no wonder he got some trouble with his back.
Since I couldn't talk to the president, I decide I'm going to take a little walk around. I was walking down the street and I meet a bum. He pulled me by the coattail and he say, my friend. He say, look, he said, I ain't eat nothing in four days.
I say, well, buddy, I say, force yourself, man, force yourself.
So, a little further down, there was a congressman. He look to me like he's kind of looped up, you know. Man, he want them corn booth. Just complain and make as much noise as he was on the floor of the house.
I say, Mr. Congressman, I say, you can't get the right number?
He say, number? What you talk about? I put my nickel in here and I didn't even got my peanuts yet.
So, I'm telling you, man, you see some sight in the capital city. One little fellow was all mixed up in a big crowd. There was a demonstrator against things and fought things. And he get himself lost, you know. And he come to me and he's trying to beat the band.
He say, please, mister. He say, you can't help me find my daddy?
Man, I pat him on the head. I say, sure, son. I say, calm yourself. Now, I say, what's your daddy like?
He say, well, he likes beer and women.
So, I have that little boy find his daddy there, and I keep on walking. And after a while, I see a man there. He's looking at a funny building what they got there. And I look at that. I say, my friend, I say, what kind of building that is? Man, it go way up high and all the room is vacant. They didn't got nothing in between.
And he tell me, he say, oh, that's for pigeon parking.
I say, pigeon parking? Man alive. What you thought? They ain't got enough pigeon in the country to fill that place.
So, we keep on talking there. And that man, he kind of laugh a little bit. He tell me, his name Orville Freeman, you know. Secretary of Agriculture.
Hot dog, man. I say, I'm proud I run in with you there. I say, I want to talk with you a little bit about something there. My good friend, Nunez Clespar from Baisheng, was got a check for $1,000 for not raise no hog this year. So, I make my mind to go in the no hog raising business.
Now, what I like to know from you is what is the best kind of farm not to raise no hog on? And what is the best kind of hog not to raise? Me, I would like to not raise them Razorbacks. But if that is not a good breed not to raise, I would just as soon not raise them Durock or those Berkshires.
Now, to me, Mr. Freeman, the hard thing about the no hog raising business is going to be to keep a record of how many hog I have not raised. My friend, Nunez Clespar, is very happy about the future of the no hog raising business. He done been raise hog for more than 20 years. And the most what he was ever did make was $400. Till this year, when he get that check from you, from the government there, for $1,000 for not raise no hog.
Now, I think about that a little bit, you know. So, I say, well, I think that if I can get $1,000 for not raise 50 hog, then I was up to get $2,000 for not raise 100 hog. Now, Mr. Freeman, I'm going to start kind of slow there. And I'm going to hold myself down to not raise about 4,000 hog. Which was mean that I was going to get a check from you, from the government there, for $80,000.
Now, please, I say, start that over a little bit there, Mr. Freeman. And I'd like to get some kind of answer to that right away. Because I'm very happy about the future of this no hog raising business. And it look like it's going to be a good time to get started with that. And I sure going to appreciate what you going to told me about that.
So, he kind of look at me funny and shake his head, you know. And he reach in a big box what he got there. And he pull out something. He say, look, Robespierre. He say, here's a very expensive space suit. How about using it?
Side 2
I'm trying to get my mind up and I just keep walking around a little bit and I find out that that fella, Mr. Rockin' fella, the governor of New York, he was there. So I go in the hotel and I keep walking around and pretty soon I hear somebody there in the room, you know. He sang and he said, forget your trouble, come on, get happy.
So I knock on the door and he said, come in, come in. Then he sang just a little bit more. He said, man, I'll tell you one thing, I sure enjoy myself.
I said, well, man, you must be happy.
He stopped singing and he looked at me kind of funny. He said, no, not me, no, I'm Nelson.
Oh, well, I said, excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Rockin' fella.
Well, we finally get that straightened out anyhow and we gotta talk a little bit about politics, you know. I said, Mr. Rockin' fella, I understand you are one of them political lovelers there.
He said, no, no, you don't understand. I'm political liberal. A loveler, that's somebody who commit lovel, you know. One who say bad thing about people and hurt their reputation. He said, that one got nothing to done with politics, so this time I'll look at him kind of funny, man.
The governor of New York was there to welcome Cyprian. Invited him into his home and sugar's work worn hand. He asked about his life, his home, his family, and his church. Well, I had to told the truth to him. I got a John that's made with birch.
Cyprian, he caused a great sensation when he went down to Washington to straighten out the nation.
Well, I finally get to see the president and, man, I sure get a kick out of that. And this is the way the conversation goes.
Mr. President, here is Cyprian Robespierre from the state of Louisiana.
Good morning, Mr. President. How you was this morning?
Just fine, Mr. Robespierre. You take the rocking chair there.
Mr. President, you know one thing, in South Louisiana, they send me here to decide who gonna make the best candidate in the president election there. And they want me to find out who gonna be the best man to occupy the great and glorious United States at heart.
No, Mr. Robespierre, that's the White House.
Well, first off, Mr. President, I want to say that I'm glad you had that ear take off your face. That must have been terrible thing there.
I'm afraid I don't understand. I haven't had an ear on my face.
Then how come you keep telling the people you got a new front ear?
My nephew, so sane, cried to come with me to Washington just to look at that ear on your face.
There seems to be some breakdown in communications here. Now, you see, the slogan is New Frontier. It refers to my politics, not my anatomy.
Well, to tell you the truth, back home when they talk about your politics, your ear ain't the part of your anatomy they talk about.
But we got more important thing to talk about, Mr. President. We want to talk about who gonna occupy the Outhouse from 1964 to 68.
Sir, that's the White House.
Well, the folks back home want to know what you gonna plan to do to promote industry on the Bayou of Louisiana there.
Well, what are the industries there?
Well, along Bayou Teche and Bayou Cotablo, we mostly hunt and play a card game, what they call bourrée.
I see, and what do you hunt?
Well, most of the time, Mr. President, we hunting somebody to play bourrée with.
What do you think that the government can do to aid the wonderful Cajun people of your area?
Well, I guess you can send some of those domestic peace car, because a lot of people in the country that don't got no car to ride around in.
No, no, you don't understand. Those aren't cars. It is not domestic peace cars. The word is core. Core.
Oh, well, them core, they don't already been there. That's the folks who hold those, uh, how you call them, remonstration at the schoolhouse. It's kind of a parade where everybody sing and turn on the fire hose and everything like that.
No, that's not the same group. Now, you're talking about the demonstrations held by CORE, C-O-R-E. It's the Congress of Racial Equality. That has no connection with the Peace Corps.
Well, come to think about it now, it ain't been too peaceful since the Constitution.
Now, sir, what other option would the Cajun people ask of their government?
Well, we thought we better talk with you about your brother Roberta. I think it's a good thing you gave that boy a job, yeah. But you didn't got to start him off as Inferno General, huh? Couldn't you start him like a job Inferno Corporal or maybe Inferno Sergeant? General, man, let me tell you one thing. That's for a big job. He need to know what to send the troop and what to use the hydromatic bomb to protect the nation and, uh, and our house.
That's White House. And my brother is Attorney General, not Inferno General. He does not hold a military position.
Well, I told you one thing. If he practiced just a little bit, uh, he might learn a few positions like attention and, uh, at ease.
And, uh, about that bomb. Man, you shouldn't call your brother that. Even if you did got to give him a job.
No, you don't understand. I am referring to your reference to a bomb, a hydromatic bomb. Now, the correct pronunciation is hydrogen bomb. It is a destructive device of amazing power. It strikes with a terrible force. After it hits an area, there's practically nothing left of what was originally there.
Well, I guess you know your brother more better than me.
Well, let me ask you a few questions. Now, we are, of course, interested very greatly in the fine people of Louisiana and in their views on political issues. What do your people think of the Taft-Hartley bill?
Well, now, we think that if we owed that bill, we sure ought to pay that.
Well, tell me, uh, what do you, uh, think of foreign aid?
Foreign aid? Well, now, what that is?
Well, you know, uh, foreign aid. Foreign aid, foreign aid. It's great. Got to send some. Can't wait.
Oh, you mean the money what we sent to the foreign countries like Vietnam, the Congo, and Massachusetts? Forget it.
What else can the government of the United States do for the Cajun people of Louisiana?
Well, now, we could use some of them agriculture experts to help out with raising our chicken. Last week, I come out the house and, God bless, there was all my chicken laying on the ground, steep and cold, got their feet sticking straight up in the air.
I see, and you would like to know what's wrong?
Well, sure, man. I sure like to find out what has got wrong there.
Mr. Robespierre, I'm glad you asked me that. I think I can help you myself.
Well, man, I told you one thing. I really going to appreciate that.
Now, number one, you say your chickens were lying on their backs, cold and stiff with their feet in the air? That's right, Mr. President, that's right. And number two, you want to know what's wrong? Well, sure, for sure, I like to know what's wrong.
Mr. Robespierre, it is my considered opinion that your chickens are dead.
Oh, well, Mr. President, I think I don't took enough of your time. Tell your lovely wife and your children, if I don't see them tomorrow, hello. Thank you, sir, and goodbye.
Mr. President, there's another visitor to the White House.
No, it's outhouse.
Now Cyprien, he went to see the leader of the land. He talked with him about the things that make our country grand. We're waiting now for him to make a great prognostication. I think that all them candidates could just about outvote the nation.
Cyprien Robespierre, he caused a great sensation when he went down to Washington to straighten out the nation.
So when I'm leaving the White House now, running to a fellow, call his name Romney, he look at me kind of funny, say, hey, buddy, I noticed you around Washington here the last two or three days. You done passed to the Pentagon yet?
I say, well, no, not yet. I guess it was something what I eat.
But, you know, I get acquainted with that fellow, Mr. Romney there, and I was talking with him a little bit. And I say, Mr. Romney, you want to know something? I say, man, I'm Cyprien Robespierre, you know, and I come from way down there in South Louisiana. And, you know, that's a real fine place over there. The people is very courteous and full of hospitality, and they show you love, you know.
And well, like the other day, we got this new preacher come to town. I said the other day, it must have been about three months ago. And I leave out in the country. He come by the house, and he tell me he's the new minister in the community there.
And he said, Mr. Robespierre, while I was in your neighborhood, I thought I'm going to stop by there and just visit with you a little bit, you know. He said, Mr. Robespierre, what I'd like to know is this. Are you lost?
I said, well, no, preacher, I'm not lost. Me, I'm living right there for 35 years, man. I know every little trail and copper.
No, no, he said, that's not what I'm talking about. Now, you misunderstand. He said, what I'd like to know is this. Are you ready for the judgment day?
Well, I said, preacher, I don't know too much about that. Now, when that's going to be?
Well, he said, you never can tell about that, you know. That can be today, tomorrow.
I said, look, don't tell the old lady, no, because she's going to want to go both days.
So I keep on walking all around them street there, and I'm going down, I don't know, one of them big avenue there, and I begin to feel a little bit hungry. So I pass in one of them restaurants there, and I sit down, and I take that napkin, I stuff that down in my collar, you know, and pretty soon the waiter come over there, and I believe he tried to make fun of my face.
He said, shave or haircut?
Man, I beat my man up. I dug that napkin away from there, you know, and I said, the devil with that, buddy, how about brought me some soup?
So after a while, he's coming out there with that soup, and I look, and man, they got a fly in there. I say, hold on, waiter. I say, look at this. I say, what that fly has done in my soup there?
He look, he say, well, look to me like he's doing the backstroke.
He tell me that one day Jackie was watching television, you know, and when the president come home that night, she say, honey, she say, guess what? She say, I see something on television today what I like to try me.
So the president say, well, honey, say, you know, he say, anything what you want, I'm gonna try to to fulfill you every wish and desire. What that is?
She say, I see a movie star. She was taking a bath in some milk there. I sure like to try that.
Well, honey, he said, that's no problem at all. Just call the milk company there and told him to start his tank truck.
So sure enough, after a while, the driver come, he got this tank truck, and knock at the door, you know, and the president go to the door, and he say, look, he say, I come with that tank truck loaded with milk there from the milk company. What you want done with that?
Oh, the president say, well, come on in here with me. So he take him into the bathroom there, and he show him the tub. He say, look, he say, how about put some milk in that tub there? My wife want to take a milk and a bath in that milk.
He kind of scratch his head. He look a little bit. He say, well, okay, so I sure can do that. He say, I guess you want that pasteurized, huh?
The president say, well, I don't believe it's necessary to put it that deep. Just a little bit past her hips gonna be deep enough.
Cyprian Robespierre, he caused a great sensation, when he went down to Washington to straighten out the nation.